Jack of all trades. Master of fuck all.
I’m fucking back…

I realise its been far too long since I last posted. This dawned on me when I realised I’ve been having trouble not headbutting people lately. Theres a big, fuck off fist sized hole in my wall and I fear I may never be allowed to travel on public transport again. So, I’ve came back as an outlet for my anger just ensure the safety of the fuckheads around me who insist on getting on my fucking tits. Aren’t I nice?

unfortunately, I can’t really think of much to say since college, much like school, has ripped every ounce of creativity out of me and pissed all over it. hopefully, in a few month I would’ve finished, eaten my psychology exam and be free from their fucking death grip. Free, all summer, with no money and nothing to do. You’re all in for a fucking treat.  

Yep. Literally theres a magnitude of things really pissing me off at the moment but I just can’t put them into words; because the only words I know are my Student I.D, feminism (Can eat dick), marxism and motherfucking, titty sucking two-ball Freud.

I just fucking can’t.

i like your beard. let's fuck?

That could possibly be one of the most noncholant requests for sex I’ve ever recieved.

Am I internet famous now?

ur a cocksucking cunt

On the internet you can be anything you want. And you chose to be a fucking moron.

Atleast have the imagination to be something you’re not in everyday life.

Followers. Why u no send me messages?

Falalala go fuck yourself.


I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT, since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Merry fucking Christmas.



Who needs education when you have swag!

May I ask, what flavour are your windows?

Wouldn’t mind something insulting left in my inbox for the morning. Fuckers!

Lyk dis if u h8 Cancer.

Nah, don’t think I will. I think I’ll just scroll right by because obviously I  love cancer. Me and Cancer, fucking best mates. What is it with this terminal, life threatening disease being turned into something to make you feel better about yourself. Oh, I know, I’m horrible person, I have the personality of dish cloth, I have no redeemable features and I kick puppies but if I like this picture of somebody with a tumour I’ll be a much better person.

Contrary to popular belief 1 Like does not = 1 Prayer. Its fucking Facebook for fuck fucking sakes. Nobody gives 1/5th of a fuck if you hate Cancer, because in case you haven’t realised…NOBODY FUCKING LIKES CANCER. Your statement, like and silly little pictures are all moot because Cancer IS NOT A GOOD THING. Argh, what the fuck is happening to the world. “Dear Coca Cola, I have a proposal for you. If this gets more than 2000 likes you have to bring out a pink can in support of Cancer and give 50% of the earnings to Cancer awareness”

What kind of fucking inbreed are you? First of all “In support of Cancer”. In support of cancer, do you mean like “WOO GO CANCER, YOU KEEP DOING YOUR THING”. Mistake one you fucking hipster piece of shit. Secondly, which company, in there right minds would give 50% of their earnings to anything. I don’t give a fuck what it is, a fucking 3 headed, 12 foot tall alien riding a burning meteor could come hurtling towards earth at the speed of light and the only thing that could stop it was Lil Wayne giving 50% of his money to cancer awareness, it still would never happen. Because that’s half of what that company earns. Even still, I think we are all fully aware of what cancer is and Coca Cola bringing out a pink can is not going to enlighten anyone. You know what kind of people will buy the pink can? People like my mother. Not because she wants people to be aware of cancer or anything. But because she thinks the pink can is cool. That’s it. However, people like my mam do make a large percentage of the population. Which leads us swiftly to my next point.

The motherfucking titty-sucking two-ball bitch Factor. Or, as its more formally known by the lower-classes and poor people with 52” TV screens; “The X Factor”. What a fucking monumentally shitty piece of British television. I’m not sure what its more insulting to; British television or British music. Lets face it, Simon Cowell has single-handedly taken a country prolific for some of the most amazing music genres and bands ever, fucked it right arsehole and came on its face. If he could, I reckon Simon Cowell would have Bruce Dickinson on all fours and fuck him like a dog. Britain. The motherland of Metal, Black metal, Folk Metal. Bands like Venom, Iron Maiden, Skyclad, The Rolling Stones, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest and Motorhead has been reduced to fucking Semi-naked, lanky streak of piss, caked in make-up, cock juggling, cum guzzling thundercunt, running round the stage and fucking wailing an incompressible rendition of “Oops…I did it again”. And the worst thing is, people vote for this wanker. People actually pay money to keep this degenerate on our TV screens. When the rest of the world looks at us they don’t say “Oh, Britain responsible for tea and scones and HEAVY FUCKING METAL”. They look at us and go “Oh, Britain. Responsible for Chavs, unemployment and the fucking X Factor”

Its a fucking laughing stock not to mention offensive. There are people out there, hard working people who have an actual love and talent for music. People like buskers and the epic Bass guy from Newcastle, who actually enjoy playing music and are really fucking good at it. But never in the history of crab shite will they get a shot at what those dick heads get on the X Factor. Why not? Possibly because they’re normal, average people who quite possible lost a spot on that show and the chance for a recording contract because they weren’t fucking flamboyant enough, or because they don’t entertain enough. Oh, I’m sorry. I thought this was a fucking singing competition, not an annoying little prick with a silly haircut competition. You want to entertain people with your epileptic like dancing then go on Britain’s got Talent and shame the nation on there and not ruining my fucking Saturday nights with your incessant screeching and fucking bullshit sob stories. Honestly guys, X Factor is the corrupt, annoying, infected pimple on the shit stained arse of the music industry. Its a fucking farce and should be condemned to hell. Don’t watch it. 

Just wee joke. Hope you laugh your tits off as much as I did

In primary school the teacher was telling her class stories with morals, she told a few and asked the children if they had any. A little boy at the back put his hand up

"what story have you got to tell us?" asked the teacher

"last Sunday my grandad got up and went to the pub with his mates, he had 4 pints and a few shots of whiskey. He got back and my gran had dinner ready for him, he had two cans with his dinner and then went back to the pub. At the pub he had 6 more pints and three shots. When he got back my gran didn’t have supper ready for him, so he kicked her head in"

The teacher, horrified asked “well…what’s the moral?”

"the moral of the story is, don’t fuck with my grandad when he pissed"